Mom:  Grandpa wanted to be cremated…

Ethan:  Is that not what you’d want someday?

Mom:  No way.  Bury me under a screen door and a cell phone.  If you don’t get a call in two weeks, you can pack the soil down.

Girlfriend:  I discovered a new taste sensation!

Ethan:  Oh yeah?  What’s that?

Girlfriend:  I melted Hershey’s Kisses in my black tea.  It’s like come in my mouth.

Ethan:  …It’s like...what?

Girlfriend:  Like my mouth is coming!  …I meant to say.  …Shut up.

Dad:  Where do you want to eat?

Ethan:  What about this Indian place — Gandhi?

Dad:  “Gandhi.”  That’s a good name for a restaurant…  What, do they just starve you?

Dave:  (puts bags next to Ethan)  Watch my stuff while I go to the bathroom.

Ethan:  (doesn’t look up)

2 MINUTES LATER

Delta Gate Agent:  Excuse me, do you know the man who left these things?

Ethan:  Yeah.  I’m watching them for him.

Delta Gate Agent:  Oh.  Alright, then. (starts to walk away)

Ethan:  Was it because he looked like a terrorist?

Delta Gate Agent: No…

Ethan: (not buying it)

Delta Gate Agent: Maybe…

Ethan:  Wow. I just had the craziest dream ever.

Girlfriend:  What was it?

Ethan:  I dreamt that you had a rats nest on your chest… Like, rats were creating a home on you.  It was kind of funny, I was laughing.

Girlfriend:  (glares at Ethan)  You were laughing?  I’m mad at you.

Ethan:  You’re…mad at me?

Girlfriend:  Yeah, that’s fucked up!  Why would you laugh at me in a time of need?

Ethan:  It was…a dream—

Girlfriend:  Shut up.

Senior Citizen:  My granddaughter showed me the most amazing thing today.

Ethan:  What’s that?

Senior Citizen:  When you’re on hold with an operator, you can use the “speaker phone.”  That way, you don’t have to keep the phone up to your face!

Ethan:  (long pause)  You’re just discovering this?

Senior Citizen:  I’m old.