February 2012
3 posts
An Actual Conversation with My Girlfriend About a...
Ethan: Wow. I just had the craziest dream ever.
Girlfriend: What was it?
Ethan: I dreamt that you had a rats nest on your chest… Like, rats were creating a home on you. It was kind of funny, I was laughing.
Girlfriend: (glares at Ethan) You were laughing? I’m mad at you.
Ethan: You’re…mad at me?
Girlfriend: Yeah, that’s fucked up! Why would you laugh at...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with A Senior Citizen in...
Senior Citizen: My granddaughter showed me the most amazing thing today.
Ethan: What’s that?
Senior Citizen: When you’re on hold with an operator, you can use the “speaker phone.” That way, you don’t have to keep the phone up to your face!
Ethan: (long pause) You’re just discovering this?
Senior Citizen: I’m old.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a TSA Officer at...
TSA Officer: Step through, please.
Ethan: (walks through metal detector)
TSA Officer: Hold it. Please go through once more.
Ethan: (turns around, walks through again)
TSA Officer: Again, please.
Ethan: Is something wrong?
TSA Officer: Just once more, please.
Ethan: But the machine never beeped…
TSA Officer: Please step through again.
Ethan: (walks through a third time,...
January 2012
7 posts
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Parents About...
Submitted by my brother, Andrew
Mom: So, what did the doctor say about you peeing so much?
Andrew: Since I tested negative for anything serious, he thinks it might be an enlarged prostate.
(pause)
Mom: Maybe it’s because you’ve been doing too much, you know…”hugging.”
Andrew: Ugh…
Dad: I think it’s because you’ve been doing too much...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a BBQ Vendor in...
Ethan: Can I have a side dish, please?
Vendor: Which side you want?
Ethan: Um…I guess i’ll take the escarole?
Vendor: The what?
Ethan: The, uh, escarole? Over here. (points)
Vendor: The casserole? You want the string bean casserole?
Ethan: No, the escarole. This stuff, right here.
Vendor: (long stare) …You mean the COLLARD GREENS?
Ethan: Oh. Yeah. The...
3 tags
An Actual Email Conversation With My Mom About...
Mom: Eth—I have just experienced a first: your cat farting his brains out in the bathroom. Love, Mom
Ethan: Amazing. What did it sound like?
Mom: Like you farting your brains out in the bathroom. Love, Mom
(two minutes later)
Mom: Rat-a-tat-tat, rat-a-tat-tat, pause; rat-a-tat-tat. Love, Mom
3 tags
An Actual Phone Conversation with An Equinox Gym...
Ethan: Hi, can I speak to the manager, please?
Gym Receptionist: He’s actually on with someone else, can he call you back?
Ethan: Sure, but do you know if he’ll be able to call within the hour?
Gym Receptionist: I pray that he will.
Ethan: Oh…alright…. But you don’t have to pray for that…
Gym Receptionist: (laughs) It’s no trouble at all.
...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with Two Middle-Aged...
Submitted by Amit
Amit: (pointing to Homeless Guy 1’s head) That’s a pretty awesome lion hat.
Homeless Guy 2: That is a sweet lion hat!
Homeless Guy 1: (playing with tassels) Yeah. But it’s missing an eye.
Homeless Guy 2: (sighs heavily) Story of my life…
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Really, Really Drunk...
Really, Really Drunk Friend: (holding a bottle of Worcestershire sauce and staring at it intensely)
Ethan: …Do you know how to pronounce it?
Really, Really Drunk Friend: (extremely slowly) “Sau-ce.”
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Car Service Driver...
Driver: Taxi?
Ethan: No.
Driver: Where you goin, sir, Manhattan?
Ethan: (walking away briskly) I’m going to Jupiter.
Driver: (following) Alright, two lefts and then a right. Hop in.
Ethan: Ha, dude, come on — get lost.
Driver: I can do that, too. Get in the car.
December 2011
7 posts
An Actual Conversation with a Mentally Ill...
Homeless Man: (muttering) Ladies walkin’ ‘round with they asses out…showin’ it all off.
Ethan: (taking headphones off) Sorry, what?
Homeless Man: Oh, you heard me. Ladies walkin’ ‘round with they asses out. Showin’ it ALL off.
Ethan: Okay.
Homeless Man: Think it’s okay because of television, but really, you gotta know you askin’...
4 tags
An Actual Holiday Conversation with Christine's...
Submitted by Christine
Aunt Eileen: Do you know anyone that’s full of shit?
Christine: Like, dishonest? I guess—
Aunt Eileen: No, literally full of shit. I found one of Grandpa’s old enemas. Since he’s gone, I thought someone else could use it.
Christine: Uh…
Aunt Virginia: There’s plenty of dessert if anyone’s still hungry!
Uncle Billy: No...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Grandpa About A TV...
Grandpa: What do you think of Two Men and a Boy?
Ethan What do I think of…what?
Grandpa: The TV show, Two Men and a Boy.
Ethan: I think you mean Two and a Half Men? Unless there’s a new NAMBLA network…
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Server at a...
Ethan: Man, this food is spicy!
Server: You do not like spicy food?
Ethan: I do, but I have…”trouble” with it, if you get what I mean…
Server: Well, this food very good for you. Vegetarian. Digest well. Non-vegetarian meal take 10 hours to digest.
Ethan: Oh yeah? And how long will this take, 45 minutes? (laughs)
Server: (laughs) No, not 45 minutes! ...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a "Dave and Ethan"...
Booker: We’ll get you guys in for a sound check as soon as possible — we just have to clear everyone out of the theater. Hopefully there won’t be any stranglers.
Ethan: What now?
Booker: Hopefully there won’t be any stranglers left in the theater.
Ethan: …Do you mean…”stragglers?”
Booker: What’s the difference?
Ethan: (nervous...
4 tags
An Actual Phone Conversation with Liz's Mom about...
Submitted by Liz
Mom: Hey, what are you doing?
Liz: Nothing. Being bored, doing laundry…
Mom: Well you should come downtown and look at the Budweiser Clydesdales while they’re here. They’re beautiful! (pause) Their penises are huge.
Liz: (shocked silence)
Mom: Well, they are.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Girlfriend In My...
Girlfriend: Can I use your computer?
Ethan: Sure.
Girlfriend: (sits down in desk chair — begins typing, then pauses) Um…
Ethan: What’s up?
Girlfriend: Why does “YouJizz.com” pop up when I start to type “YouTube?”
Ethan: (long pause) …I’ve never seen that website in my life.
November 2011
6 posts
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with a New Hampshire...
Submitted by Holly Pearson
Furniture Store Man: (loading furniture into car, nods at Holly’s Red Sox hat) So, are you a real fan or just a fan by default?
Holly: Default.
Furniture Store Man: Wow, no bullshit. You know, you’re my favorite kind of person. Are you married?
Holly: Yes.
Furniture Store Man: Oh. Well…second favorite kind of person.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation in a Bar About Manginas
Ethan: …I walk into the room, and Dan is standing there with a “mangina”!
Alix: What’s a “mangina?” I want to see a mangina.
Dan: Oh don’t worry, you’ll probably see one tonight at some point…
Bartender: (pops up from behind bar) The place is empty, you can show her now. (waits, staring)
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Mom About A...
Mom: Did you hear Big D died?
Ethan: It’s Heavy D. And yes, that was days ago.
Mom: How sad. They said there was no funny business or anything…
Ethan: What would be “funny business”?
Mom: You know, drugs…or shootings. Rappers are mad hardcore.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation About Airplane Food with...
Flight Attendant: Excuse me — for lunch today we have a turkey sandwich or a salad.
Ethan: I’ll have the salad, please.
Flight Attendant: Alright, here you go. (puts tray in front of Ethan)
Ethan: Thanks so much. (pours bowl of dressing on salad)
Guy Next To Ethan: Um. You know that’s not salad dressing, right? That was your soup.
Ethan: (stares at empty bowl. ...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Waiter at a Buffet...
Submitted by Amit
Amit: Excuse me. (points to buffet tray) Is this beef or pork?
Waiter: (looks down) I think it’s beef. …Actually, it looks more like pork.
Amit: Yeah, it looks a little more like white meat.
Waiter: I’ll tell you what it’s not: TITS. That’s the best white meat. (winks)
3 tags
Another Actual Conversation with My Girlfriend...
Ethan: Hey, something smells weird…
Girlfriend: What is it?
Ethan: I think your breath might be bad.
Girlfriend: Are you sure its my breath? Maybe it’s my fungus cream.
Ethan: Your…what?
Girlfriend: The cream I put on my fungus rash.
Ethan: …I think I’m tired.
October 2011
6 posts
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with an Elevator Full of...
Ethan: We’ll shoot it out for the king bed. Loser takes the cot.
Dave: Why do we need to shoot it out? I’m fine with sharing the king-sized bed.
Ethan: Because I don’t want to share a bed with you. We’ll shoot it out.
Dave: I’m sleeping in the king-sized bed. If you want to join, you’re welcome.
Ethan: Man… (to four strangers in elevator) ...
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with a 3-Year-Old Girl in...
Submitted by Caitlyn
3-Year-Old: (walks up to a tree) Hello. How are you? (moves on to another tree) Excuse me. How is your day?
Caitlyn: What are you doing, sweetie?
3-Year-Old: Being environmentally friendly.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with an Old Lady on A...
Old Lady: Excuse me… (smiles sweetly, points to Ethan’s shirt) What does “WTF” mean?
Ethan: (blushes) Oh…it’s, uh… it’s a “podcast.” You know, like a radio show?
Old Lady: (stares blankly) But what does “WTF” stand for?
Ethan: …Stand for?….Um…well…
Random Guy in Our Row: It stands for...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with A Mariachi Band on the...
Ethan: (sprinting for train) Hold it! (just makes it through doors)
Mariachi Band: (in full costume with instruments) Guantanamera!
Ethan: (rolls eyes) Oh, no.
Mariachi Band: Guajira Guantanamera!
Ethan: Just quit it.
Mariachi Band: GUANTANAMERRRRRRA!
Ethan: COME ON!
Mariachi Band: (stops abruptly)
Ethan: …Uh. Sorry.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Hotel Receptionist...
Hotel Receptionist: Here’s your room key. And there’s complimentary wireless internet, but it’s an open network. So I wouldn’t do anything that needs to be too secure…
Ethan: Alright. But I can watch porn?
Hotel Receptionist: …Oh, um… well…
Ethan: Ha, I’m only —
Hotel Receptionist #2: (shouting from office) Of course you can. ...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Girlfriend While...
Girlfriend: (suddenly stops kissing)
Ethan: What’s wrong?
Girlfriend: Stop honking my boobs like a horn, and love me like a woman.
September 2011
6 posts
3 tags
Yet Another Actual Conversation with Dara's...
Submitted by Dara
Dara: Hi, Mamacha.
Grandma: Hello, dear.
Uncle Jon: Hi, Mom.
Grandma: Why Jon, you look very handsome tonight.
Uncle Jon: Don’t I look handsome every night?
Grandma: No.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation I Dreamt and Quickly...
Some Dude: Alright, party’s over. Raymond’s got his dick out.
Ethan: …What are you talking about?
Some Dude: Raymond pulled his dick out, it’s over.
Ethan: …So what?
Some Dude: Phil already had his dick out.
Ethan: So?
Some Dude: So…you can’t have more than one dick out at a party. Anything more than that, and you’ve got a circle jerk.
Ethan: What would happen if...
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with an Old Lady While...
Submitted by Ohmichu
Old Lady: (passes on sidewalk) What a great tattoo! I love it!
Dug: Thank you.
Old Lady: (to Omichu) Don’t you have any tattoos?
Omichu: …Um…not any that you can see…
Old Lady: Oh, I get it. You must have a tramp stamp.
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Family at The...
Ethan: This thick broth is disgusting. It reminds me of…of…
Mom: Warm breast milk?
Ethan: Ugh. No…
Andrew: Semen?
Ethan: Jesus! No. I was gonna say something much more innocuous…
Mom: Like phlegm.
Andrew: Ugh, now that’s worse.
Ethan: Worse than breast milk and semen??
Andrew: Well, semen no…but breast milk, yes.
Dad: Breast milk is good.
...
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with David's 10-Year-Old...
Submitted by David Broadbent
Holly: Dad, did Jesus’s cross have wheels on it?
Dad: Wheels? No, Hols.
Holly: How come?
Dad: I guess the people who made him carry it didn’t want wheels on it. After all, the Romans weren’t very pleased with Jesus…
Holly: Yes, I know. But they still could’ve at least given him wheels for his cross. Or a shopping cart.
Dad: Where would they...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Delta Attendant On a...
Flight Attendant: (tapping Ethan’s chair) Thanks for putting your seat back.
Ethan: (taking headphones off) Hm?
Flight Attendant: We’re landing now, it’s time to return your seat to the upright position.
Ethan: Oh. It’s not…upright?
Flight Attendant: No, its not. So thanks for putting it back.
Ethan: Oh, I’m sorry. (laughing playfully) You...
August 2011
4 posts
3 tags
Another Actual Conversation with Dave About Actual...
Dave: You’ve been slacking with Actual Conversation.
Ethan: I’ve just been busy.
Dave: Let me help you!
Ethan: No.
Dave: Come on, I’ll get this one started.
Ethan: I don’t need—
Dave: Wow, the weather is so nice today. You would never know there was a hurricane this weekend…
Ethan: (long pause) …Yup.
Dave: PASTA!
Ethan: (sigh)
...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with a Woman in LaGuardia...
(Ethan’s phone rings)
Woman: (looking around) What… what is that?
Ethan: (taking off headphones) What’s the matter?
Woman: Was…was that your phone?
Ethan: (checks phone) Oh, yeah. Sorry, I didn’t hear it ring.
Woman: But what was that ringer?
Ethan: The ringer…?
Woman: Something like, (sings) “We’re the three best friends anybody...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation With My Dad About Cookies...
Dad: Eth, you want a cookie?
Ethan: What?
Dad: Do you want a cookie?
Ethan: Eh, I’m okay…
Dad: They’re free… (points to bowl of cookies on Diner counter)
Ethan: Oh. Yeah, but I’m trying to cut down on sweets…
Dad: Come on. Have a cookie.
Ethan: …
Dad: One cookie.
Ethan: …Okay, why not. (grabs one, takes a bite)
Dad: (whispering...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with Julie's Brother About...
Submitted by Julie Kraut
Julie: I’m going to wear my fedora when I watch you run the triathlon so I don’t get sunburned.
Brother: Great idea.
Julie: Really? You like it?
Brother: Yeah, then people will think I’m running this thing for a good cause because my sister is retarded.
July 2011
5 posts
3 tags
Another Actual Conversation with My Girlfriend...
Ethan: (sweating profusely) I’m sorry I’m late, I had the worst trip over here.
Girlfriend: What happened?
Ethan: The subway broke down and it was like, 400 degrees down there. I was so frustrated, I wanted to punch someone.
Girlfriend: You were listening to death metal, weren’t you?
Ethan: …Yeah.
Girlfriend: Something like: “RAHHHHHHH, I’M GONNA...
4 tags
An Actual Conversation With Chris's 9-Year-Old...
Submitted by Chris
Waitress: And when is your birthday, sweetie?
Cousin: …
Chris: (to cousin) Go ahead…
Cousin: July.
Waitress: So you’re a Leo!
Cousin: No, I’m a Sarah.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Dad While Watching...
Ethan, Girlfriend, and Mom: (laughing at movie)
Dad: (waking up, after falling asleep within the first ten minutes) What happened?
Ethan: We’re not recapping half the movie for you right now, Dad.
Dad: (mumbles unintelligibly, falls back asleep)
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER:
Girlfriend: (to Ethan) I have to go to the bathroom…can we pause it for a sec?
Dad: (eyes still...
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with Holly's 5-Year-Old...
Submitted by Holly
5-Year-Old Daughter: Do you think the “M&M” means something on these candies?
Holly: I’m not sure. Maybe “melty” and “munchable”?
5-Year-Old Daughter: I think it would be funny if they put other letters them.
Holly: Yeah?
5-Year-Old Daughter: Yeah, I bet people would be surprised if they said “S&M” or...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with My Mom About Her...
Mom: I have an idea for a restaurant.
Ethan: Oh, yeah? What’s that?
Mom: It’d be called “The Brothel”…with topless waitresses….serving soup!
Ethan: That’s retarded.
Mom: No it’s not, it’s brilliant! (pause) There’d probably be a lot of burns, though…
June 2011
5 posts
4 tags
An Actual Conversation with Jen's Mom About Mark's...
Submitted by Jen
Mom: So, Mark has a boob cup.
Jen: A what?
Mom: A cup shaped like a boob. He put hot cocoa in it.
(pause)
Mom: But I don’t want to drink out of it. That’d be like drinking out of a dildo.
3 tags
An Actual Conversation with A Man and His...
Husband: (pushing wife in wheelchair) I just gave you Skittles.
Quadriplegic Wife: (unintelligible noises)
Husband: Alright, one more. (piles an 8th bag of candy onto wife)
Quadriplegic Wife: (unintelligible noises)
Husband: No, you’ve had enough.
Quadriplegic Wife: (loud unintelligible noises)
Husband: Enough, already!
Quadriplegic Wife: (LOUDER unintelligible noises)
...
4 tags
Another Actual Conversation with Dara's Family at...
Submitted by Dara
Grandma: (pointing to Dad, brother and two uncles) There are a lot of men at this table, Dara. I’d like to see us even the score somehow.
Dara: Well, I can become a lesbian if you’d like.
Grandma: Haha, I don’t think I’d like that.
Dara: You could become a lesbian…
Grandma: I don’t think I’d like that either.
Dara: Don’t knock...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation At a Paul Simon Concert
Paul Simon: (singing to a jam-packed, but utterly mute crowd) And in the naked light I saw / ten thousand people, maybe more / people talking without speaking…
Beer Guy: BEER! BEER AND WATER!
Paul Simon: …people hearing without listening…
Middle-Aged Lady: Over here!
Paul Simon: …people writing songs that voices never share…
Angry Guy: (to Beer Guy, who...
3 tags
An Actual Conversation About Email Between Three...
Grandpa: Ethan, I need to send an email, but I don’t think I can from your apartment…
Ethan: Why not? I’ve got internet.
Grandpa: But if the other person emails me back, won’t it come here instead?
Ethan: No, Grandpa, it’s not like postal mail. You can access email from anywhere. You see… (begins to explain the concept of “cloud...
May 2011
4 posts
4 tags
An Actual Phone Conversation with My Parents About...
Ethan: What do I do about this massive bill?
Dad: Listen, call the doctor’s office tomorrow, and just calmly explain the situation with your insurance. They’ve got to understand.
Mom: (shouting in the background) They’ve GOT to understand!
Dad: They charge an exorbitant amount only because they assume you’re fully covered.
Mom: Crazy prices. Unbelievable!
Dad:...