Ethan:  Wow. I just had the craziest dream ever.

Girlfriend:  What was it?

Ethan:  I dreamt that you had a rats nest on your chest… Like, rats were creating a home on you.  It was kind of funny, I was laughing.

Girlfriend:  (glares at Ethan)  You were laughing?  I’m mad at you.

Ethan:  You’re…mad at me?

Girlfriend:  Yeah, that’s fucked up!  Why would you laugh at me in a time of need?

Ethan:  It was…a dream—

Girlfriend:  Shut up.

Senior Citizen:  My granddaughter showed me the most amazing thing today.

Ethan:  What’s that?

Senior Citizen:  When you’re on hold with an operator, you can use the “speaker phone.”  That way, you don’t have to keep the phone up to your face!

Ethan:  (long pause)  You’re just discovering this?

Senior Citizen:  I’m old.

TSA Officer:  Step through, please.

Ethan:  (walks through metal detector)

TSA Officer:  Hold it.  Please go through once more.

Ethan:  (turns around, walks through again)

TSA Officer:  Again, please.

Ethan:  Is something wrong?

TSA Officer:  Just once more, please.

Ethan:  But the machine never beeped…

TSA Officer:  Please step through again.

Ethan:  (walks through a third time, the machine makes a loud, weird noise)

TSA Officer:  You’ve been selected for a “random” screening.

Submitted by my brother, Andrew

Mom:  So, what did the doctor say about you peeing so much?

Andrew:  Since I tested negative for anything serious, he thinks it might be an enlarged prostate.

(pause)

Mom:  Maybe it’s because you’ve been doing too much, you know…”hugging.”

Andrew:  Ugh…

Dad:  I think it’s because you’ve been doing too much fucking.

Ethan:  Can I have a side dish, please?

Vendor:  Which side you want? 

Ethan:  Um…I guess i’ll take the escarole?

Vendor:  The what?

Ethan:  The, uh, escarole?  Over here.  (points)

Vendor:  The casserole?  You want the string bean casserole?

Ethan:  No, the escarole.  This stuff, right here.

Vendor:  (long stare)  …You mean the COLLARD GREENS?

Ethan:  Oh.  Yeah.  The greens.

Mom:  Eth—I have just experienced a first: your cat farting his brains out in the bathroom.  Love, Mom

Ethan:  Amazing.  What did it sound like?

Mom:  Like you farting your brains out in the bathroom. Love, Mom

(two minutes later)

Mom:  Rat-a-tat-tat, rat-a-tat-tat, pause; rat-a-tat-tat.  Love, Mom