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An Actual Conversation with a BBQ Vendor in Charlotte, NC
Ethan: Can I have a side dish, please?
Vendor: Which side you want?
Ethan: Um…I guess i’ll take the escarole?
Vendor: The what?
Ethan: The, uh, escarole? Over here. (points)
Vendor: The casserole? You want the string bean casserole?
Ethan: No, the escarole. This stuff, right here.
Vendor: (long stare) …You mean the COLLARD GREENS?
Ethan: Oh. Yeah. The greens.

An Actual Email Conversation With My Mom About Watching My Cat
Mom: Eth—I have just experienced a first: your cat farting his brains out in the bathroom. Love, Mom
Ethan: Amazing. What did it sound like?
Mom: Like you farting your brains out in the bathroom. Love, Mom
(two minutes later)
Mom: Rat-a-tat-tat, rat-a-tat-tat, pause; rat-a-tat-tat. Love, Mom

An Actual Phone Conversation with An Equinox Gym Receptionist
Ethan: Hi, can I speak to the manager, please?
Gym Receptionist: He’s actually on with someone else, can he call you back?
Ethan: Sure, but do you know if he’ll be able to call within the hour?
Gym Receptionist: I pray that he will.
Ethan: Oh…alright…. But you don’t have to pray for that…
Gym Receptionist: (laughs) It’s no trouble at all.
Ethan: Nah, really, it’s okay — I’m an atheist!
Gym Receptionist: (long pause) I’ll pray for you, too.

An Actual Conversation with Two Middle-Aged Homeless Guys on the Street in San Francisco
Submitted by Amit
Amit: (pointing to Homeless Guy 1’s head) That’s a pretty awesome lion hat.
Homeless Guy 2: That is a sweet lion hat!
Homeless Guy 1: (playing with tassels) Yeah. But it’s missing an eye.
Homeless Guy 2: (sighs heavily) Story of my life…

An Actual Conversation with a Really, Really Drunk Friend About Worcestershire Sauce
Really, Really Drunk Friend: (holding a bottle of Worcestershire sauce and staring at it intensely)
Ethan: …Do you know how to pronounce it?
Really, Really Drunk Friend: (extremely slowly) “Sau-ce.”

An Actual Conversation with a Car Service Driver at JFK Airport
Driver: Taxi?
Ethan: No.
Driver: Where you goin, sir, Manhattan?
Ethan: (walking away briskly) I’m going to Jupiter.
Driver: (following) Alright, two lefts and then a right. Hop in.
Ethan: Ha, dude, come on — get lost.
Driver: I can do that, too. Get in the car.



